Conflict Resolution

We all know that healthy relationships require work. The problem is that we often don’t know what type of work we have to do and so we end up trying to get by through sheer force of will alone. Moreover, because our close relationships are important to us we often engage in them with a high degree of nervousness or anxiety. Sometimes we approach our relationships in fear. We fear being rejected, we fear being alone. This can make us defensive. And when we are anxious, afraid and defensive we get stuck in survival mode. 

How many of us have found ourselves in an argument without really understanding why we’re in an argument to begin with, or even what the fundamental problem is? How many of us then feel attacked when someone close to us expresses a concern? How many of us then react, or even over-react, digging ourselves ever deeper into the conflict? If any of this sounds familiar, you’ve experienced survival mode. 

These are normal behaviours and frequent outcomes. We all get stuck in survival mode from time to time, but we need to take it seriously because left untreated the result is personal burnout and relationships left damaged. If we can learn to recognise the signs of survival mode we can more effectively escape from it. 

So what does survival mode look like?

• Does everything look important and urgent?

• Do you find yourself avoiding the problem or person?

• Do you feel overwhelmed by stress?

• Does your mind keep replaying the conversation or incident over and over?

• Does every action feel high risk?

• Is it affecting your sleep or your breathing or your energy levels?

• Do you experience little to no joy?

• Is everything you do a reaction to something else?
  
  

This is survival mode. It's a deeply unpleasant space to be in. It’s a feeling of crisis and if left long enough to become a permanent crisis you may even forget that there’s a root cause to it. You may even start to believe that this condition is your normal condition. 

How could we expect anyone to resolve conflicts and care for their relationships under such circumstances?

Survival mode’s opposite is growth mode. In growth mode we have the capacity to look calmly, kindly and objectively at our issues. It's in growth mode that we can resolve our conflicts in a way that ensures everyone wins. So how can we transition from survival mode to growth mode? 

The first, most important step is to acknowledge to ourselves that we are in survival mode. Secondly, we need to acknowledge any mistakes that we made whilst in survival mode and, crucially, to forgive ourselves for them. Thirdly, we have to ask for support.

A key feature of growth mode is that we must consciously to put aside ego and machismo. Strength in a healthy relationship is not about being right or dominant. Strength in a healthy relationship is having the courage to be vulnerable.  

As Dr Tal ben Sahar argues the most important thing in a relationship is to know and be known: to know oneself and to be known by others. It’s what we all crave. This requires us not to impress but rather to express: to share, to open up… to be vulnerable. 

This may feel counterintuitive because we’re so familiar with survival mode. We’ve even built an entire genre of comedy out of it. We’ve all watched sitcoms or heard stand up comedians, usually male comedians, tell a story about their girlfriends (it's usually always girlfriends) being in a bad mood ostensibly for no reason. The comedian asks “what’s wrong with you?” In the story, the girlfriend then snaps back some variation of “you should know”. The punchline is normally some variation on “what am I, a mind reader?” The audience laughs. 

But at the heart of this ‘classic’ comedy story is something tragic. Let’s tell the story another way. This is a story about two damaged people who can’t communicate. Worse yet, they are so crippled with anxiety, fear, and defensiveness that neither is able to take a step towards the other. Over time they each grow to believe that the other refuses to understand their needs. Yet secretly they doubt that they deserve better. Unable to change things, they remain stuck: doomed to repeat the same argument endlessly.

If only they could be vulnerable with each other, they might stand a chance. 

Allan de Botton argues that one huge problem with the way we think about relationships today is our belief that they need to be perfect. He argues that we’re constantly bombarded with images of perfect that we’re in a permanent state of trying to level up. He advises us not to set the bar for being a good person so high that no one can live up to it. 

When we set the bar too high, we only end up disappointed. When those in relationships with us, whether family, friends, partners or even colleagues, know the bar has been set too high they either disengage from us or they end up lying to us to keep the pretence alive. 

Love, whether platonic or romantic, is not a permanent state. Love is a skill we have to learn. We can only learn, develop and practice this skill when we’re in the growth mode. 

But life can be tough. There will be times when we’re in survival mode. That’s ok. But even in survival mode we need to have the skill to prevent walking out or making things worse. 

One effective method to avoid an escalation of relational conflicts is first to acknowledge to yourself that you are in survival mode, and then calmly and kindly tell the person or group you are in conflict with...

1. I want to have this conversation

2. I respect that this conversation is important to you. It is important to me too

3. In this moment, I’m in survival mode and I’m feeling __________

4. So if I have this conversation now, I’m going to make mistakes

5. I don’t want to escalate things, I want us to work through this together. So please give me a little time to be ready

This tool may help us to prevent conflict escalation but how do we then move towards conflict resolution in relationships?

Let’s recall our key principles. Love is a skill we have to learn. We have to be brave enough to be vulnerable. Don’t set the bar too high. Be in the growth mode. 

Holding on to these principles should help both or all parties to remain present, calm, kind and open. 

In other words, always apply a paraphrase of Hanlon’s Razor: don’t attribute any behaviour to malice that could first be explained by any other reason.

These qualities alone may remove the tension, but they will not resolve the problem. We need to be mindful that there is a difference between an armistice and peace. Let’s take a little historical detour by way of example.

The Treaty of Versailles that ended World War I is one of the best examples of how not to make a peace treaty. Yes, it stopped the fighting but it fundamentally did not resolve the issues that had led to the conflict in the first place. In fact, it added a whole new batch of problems and resentments. The result was an armistice not a peace because within twenty years the world was at war again. 

In other words, we need a cease fire to help facilitate a peace process, but a ceasefire in itself is not peace. 

Our attitudes are important, but we also need a protocol to help guide us to a resolution that can reconcile all parties and lead to a sustainable, better future relationship.

Let’s take a look at one useful protocol below. For the sake of demonstration, let’s assume that the conflict is between two people - though this protocol can be applied to groups. It’s a bit like the Town Hall meeting protocol we learnt about previously.

1. Statements on thoughts and feelings

One at a time both parties should have the opportunity to express their thoughts and feelings. This process should:

• Avoid blame

• Avoid personal judgements

• Avoid litigating previous arguments

• Focus on your personal experience of the conflict

Those listening must avoid interrupting, shouting or using inflammatory language or engaging in any overt gestures or body language that might escalate tensions. Those listening should focus only on hearing the speaker openly.

2. Clarifying questions

After the speaker has finished the listener should be given a chance to ask any clarifying questions. This process should:

• Avoid any challenges to anything said by the speaker

• Avoid rebuttals or judgements

• Focus on questions that allow the listener to fully understand what the speaker is trying to communicate, regardless of whether they agree with the speaker or not

At this point the above two stages should be repeated with the speaker and listener switching roles. 

3. Defining the true problem

• Having listened and made significant efforts to understand each other’s thoughts and feelings without judgement, the two people in conflict should attempt to define the true nature of their problem 

• The aim should be to keep this definition relatively simple, perhaps just a couple of sentences, albeit acknowledging the need to be nuanced and complete. A simple definition will help both parties stay focused on the problem

• The definition should include the perspectives of both people in conflict in a form that they would recognise as fair

4. Potential solutions 

• Take turns exploring potential solutions to the problem. There should be no expectation that every idea would work 

• There should be no expectation that the first idea on the table should be perfect 

• Use the prompt “what would you like to see happen?” to create an invitational culture

5. Co-construct a solution

• Together both parties should look at all the ideas on the table and ask which of these ideas makes the most amount of sense

• Don’t be afraid to borrow from different potential solutions

• Ask each other what matters most to you. Make sure your solution addresses the thing that matters most to each party 

6. State the solution

• Write down the solution and state it aloud. It will provide clarity and direction. It will also validate the process 

7. Explore success indicators

• Having understood each other and devised a solution together does not mean the process is finished. A crucial part of the process is having a clear idea of what needs to be done to achieve that solution 

• One question to ask is “how will we know that it's working?”

• Both parties should take turns putting success indicators on the table. Having spoken honestly about the problem this now provides a good opportunity to visualise the relationship in its healthiest form

8. Co-construct success indicators

• Together both parties should look at all the ideas on the table and ask which of these makes the most amount of sense

• Don’t be afraid to borrow from different potential solutions 

• Ask each other what matters most to you. Make sure your solution addresses the thing that matters most to each party 

9. State success indicators 

• Write down and state aloud the success indicators. It will provide clarity and direction. It will also validate the process 

10. Agree when to review progress

• Relationships require ongoing work. Too often we wait until a full blown crisis before we acknowledge there’s a problem. Break that cycle by agreeing a time when you can both sit down together to review the progress you’ve made. This will allow you to manage issues before they escalate thereby avoiding conflict down the road. This will also allow you to feel empowered that you have a respectful, effective process to help you nurture a healthy relationship

Spend twenty minutes journaling about a time when a conflict escalated out of control. Were you in survival mode? Did you make mistakes? How did the other person's behaviour make you feel? Do you have regrets about what happened? Now imagine that you could sit with that person to try to resolve the conflict. Using the process outlined above, would what the conversation look like?