Mediating Between Thoughts, Feelings and Actions

Sometimes our brains can treat us really badly. Sometimes our brains don’t seem to be on our side at all. You might be walking across the road and out of nowhere your brain floods you with a horrible memory. Suddenly, we feel a wave of anxiety or sadness, when we were happy just seconds before. Sometimes it takes the whole day to shake off these negative feelings. Sometimes it takes much longer. 

During the time it takes to shake off those negative feelings, your behaviour will have changed. Feeling anxious puts you on edge, people on edge make mistakes, and making mistakes makes us anxious. We can often find ourselves trapped in such a vicious cycle.

Fortunately cognitive therapy can provide us with the tools to break that cycle. Cognitive therapy recognises that our thoughts, feelings and behaviour are an interconnected system. Once we learn this we can develop ways to mediate between the experiences we have, the emotions we feel, and the actions we take.

In other words cognitive therapy helps you to be your own advocate. To learn to be your own advocate we have to be able to recognise when we need mediation. This process of mediation asks us to step outside of ourselves and review the moment we’re in. It allows us to ask ourselves questions that can shift our thinking. Changing our thinking has the potential to change our emotional state.

The ambition here is not to prevent us from feeling negative emotions. In fact, emotions by their nature are neither good nor bad. Anger can be a powerful motivator to fight injustice. Sadness is a natural part of the grieving process. As human beings we can, will and should experience the full range of emotions. Rather, the hope is to equip ourselves with the tools to prevent negative emotions from consuming us.

So let’s look at some of the tools available to help us mediate between our experiences, emotions and actions.  

It’ll Pass

We often feel anxiety, depression and sadness not simply because of the event we’ve just experienced but also because deep down we think that these feelings we have will last forever. In some respect almost all negative emotional experiences are based in some form on our perception of the future. When we feel that our negative emotions states will last forever we fall victim to hopelessness. And hopelessness generates anxiety and depression. Yet another vicious circle in which we can get stuck. 

Indeed, when we look at emotions as static and independent (as opposed to dynamic) we are more likely to experience hopelessness. On the other hand, hope helps gives you control and makes you an active agent, as opposed to a passive victim, in your own life. 

The next time you are trapped in a vicious circle try completing and saying aloud the following phrase.

“Right now I am feeling __________.

This feeling, like all feelings, is temporary.

It will pass.”

The value here is to remind yourself that it’s ok to feel the way you do. This will help you to avoid catastrophising. 

“Ok Stop”

There are moments when we feel triggered. Someone says something, or an email drops with a horrible tone, or the thing you just fixed breaks again immediately after you fixed it. When these things happen we feel that surge of anxiety or anger coming on. Without the right tools we can often panic, making the anxiety or anger worse. 

The next time you feel yourself being triggered say to yourself or even aloud…

“Ok, stop”

With this tool you are inserting a circuit breaker between your feelings and your behaviour. Instead of feeling the anxiety/anger and then panicking, you have recognised the anxiety coming and have pressed pause. 

Saying “ok stop” is a simple, effective command to yourself to stop the cycle before it begins. You can accompany “ok stop” by physically getting up and moving away. 

“Ok stop” does not solve the problem that caused the anxiety, nor does it make the anxiety go away, but it does provide a firewall to prevent further damage, and that firewall gives you an opportunity to breathe, calm down and think things through.

“Thanks Brain…”

In those moments when a horrible memory suddenly appears in your head or when you feel an urge to scream abuse at someone who’s upset you, it really feels like our brain is not always giving us the best advice. After all, what did you do to deserve being reminded of that horrible event? And we all know that escalating a disagreement with verbal abuse will not make you feel better but worse. 

Once again, negative experiences create negative emotions, which lead to negative behaviours. It is possible to mediate this too. The next time your brain tells you to yell abuse or plops an unpleasant thought into your head you can say to yourself or aloud…

“My brain is telling me that I should think/feel/act__________.

Thanks brain, but that’s not helpful.”

And/But

Our brains are often way too harsh on us. They find a way to focus on the negative over the positive, or to nullify the positive with a negative. 

Here are some common examples…

I really liked the movie but it was too long.

That was a great night out but it was expensive.

I slept really well last night but I have to get up early for work.

I’m very creative but I’m bad at planning.

In each example above, our brains have found a way to reduce the impact of something positive. And our brains have done so in a very specific way. The use of ‘but’ is a value judgement. As a result, the positivity of, say, that great night out is reduced by immediately bringing up something negative. Also, by using the term ‘but’ your brain is telling you that the negative thing matters more.

One powerful tool to manage here is to pay attention to when you are using ‘but’, and when you find yourself using it to make a negative judgement replace it with the word ‘and’.

What makes this so powerful? By using ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ you signal that two things can exist at once without one being judged over the other.

Let’s look at those examples again. However, this time we’ve replaced ‘but’ with ‘and’…

I really liked the movie and it was too long.

That was a great night out and it was expensive.

I slept really well last night and I have to get up early for work.

I’m very creative and I’m bad at planning.

What do you notice about the use of ‘and’?

It made the sentences kinder. It reinforced the positive whilst acknowledging the negative. It made two thoughts possible without negative judgement.

Zooming In and Zooming Out

When we’re looking at a digital map, it's quite normal for us to zoom out to see the landscape and zoom in to examine the detail. Doing the same for our own experiences is another useful tool to mediate between our feelings, thoughts and behaviour. 

Zooming in allows us to focus on a specific moment, perhaps a specific word or comment, and encourages us to focus specifically on the things that trigger negative emotional reactions. If we can truly see, in detail, the thing that triggers us we can better manage those triggers, side step them and sometimes avoid them.

Zooming out allows us to think big picture and separate ourselves from the intensity of the moment. Zooming out allows us to see the sequence of events that resulted in a negative emotional outcome, and this enables us to avoid a post hoc ergo propter hoc approach to our lives. What is post hoc ergo propter hoc? It’s a latin expression that means we blame the outcome of something on the thing that happened immediately before it. Think of it this way: you’re holding a cup of coffee and a friend insults you. In a fit of rage, you throw the coffee on the floor. A post hoc ergo propter hoc explanation would blame your action on the insult. This isn’t entirely wrong but did you really throw that coffee only because of the insult? Or were you cranky from a poor night’s sleep? Were you upset from a disappointing grade? Were you stressed about an assignment that’s due later? 

Zooming out also allows us to see patterns, trends and relationships which can better help us to respond in the moment. Zooming out can also give us the chance to ask an important question. How will I feel about this in a year?

Imagine you have had a frustrating conversation with someone you care about and it has left you feeling angry. You may need to address the issue that caused the conflict, but right now you can’t see past how mad you feel. Ask yourself this: will I still be angry about this in a year? If the answer is no, then it probably doesn’t make any sense to remain angry about it right now. If the answer if yes, then that’s a sign that you need to address the matter properly.

Write a journal about a time negative emotions lead you to negative actions. Which tool or combination of tools above could you have used to change the situation? Why would they have been effective?