Supporting Happier Relationships - Chapter 18

Collaborating and Design Thinking

Collaborating with others can often be a trigger for anxiety. We’ve all had bad experiences, even when the final product was outstanding. If you’ve collaborated with other people more than a few times at least one of the following will ring true.



  • It took forever to get started because we couldn’t agree on what we wanted to do

  • One of us did all the work whilst another missed every deadline

  • Someone decided to take charge and didn’t listen to any of my ideas 

  • All our disagreements became arguments

  • I loved working with my friends but we didn’t actually get anything done



These truisms reveal that collaboration with others is all about building working relationships. To do that we need to create protocols to prevent arguments and exhaustion, whilst promoting kind, engaging, effective behaviours. Even when our collaborative projects are successful we should ask ourselves if the success was down to luck, timing and/or personalities. If the answer to any of the above is yes, then it is time to be intentional. 



One way we can promote happier collaboration is through humble inquiry. Instead of telling people what we think they should do, humble inquiry is the skill of gently asking questions so as to engage the curiosity and interest of our collaborators. Humble inquiry allows us to put ideas on the table and examine them as opposed to arguing over competing ideas. 



The following are some of the primary humble inquiry tools.



  • Pausing - instead of replying immediately to ideas allow yourself to pause before responding. Pausing allows us to gather our thoughts and ensure that emotions do not escalate in the conversation

  • I Wonder - instead of replying with a concern, frame your concern as a question starting with the prompt “I wonder”. So we move away from “This policy will upset people” to “I wonder how people will react to this policy?”

  • Yes… and - instead of replying “no” to ideas that are not fully formed, open your reply positively by saying “yes” before adding “and…” For example, one could say “yes, and that leads us to…”

Indeed, here are 8 Norms for Collaborative Work: a toolkit to help make sure teams can effectively communicate with other using common language, habits and ideas.


Design Thinking is another model that can transform your experience of collaboration with others. Design Thinking is a methodology used to solve complex problems with a human centred approach. The diagram below shows five stages of the Design Thinking Process.




The Empathise stage asks collaborators to think about the needs of their end user - the person or people who will actually use/live with the thing you make. Starting with empathy allows us to put aside our own ego. Now the objective is not to have everyone love your big idea ,but rather to create an idea that truly solves a community’s need. By reaching out to the community you wish to help, you have to really listen to their stories, experiences, hopes, needs, and wants.  




The Define stage asks collaborators to take the research from the Empathise stage, filter and synthesise it into one clear statement that clarifies, from the perspective of the end user, what your team must produce. We can borrow a format from nonviolent communication. 




My end user feels __________. They need __________ , because __________.




The Ideate stage asks collaborators to brainstorm, putting as many ideas on the table as they can possibly think of. The point is not to solve the problem in one try but to put every possible solution good or bad, low risk or high risk on the table. 



The Prototype stage asks collaborators to transform pieces from their various ideas into one coherent idea. This can be achieved by filtering the ideas. Avoid filtering by ‘good’ or ‘bad’ ideas. Instead identify the most creative idea, the most surprising idea, and the most familiar idea and so on. Then start to harmonise those parts into a single prototype.



The Test phase asks collaborators to put their prototype through a trial with a selection of potential end users. At the end of the trial gather feedback on what worked, what didn’t work, what they liked, what’s missing and so on. 



As you can see from the diagram above, the end of the Test stage loops you back into the Empathise stage. This allows you to run the protocol again continuously refining and improving your product. 




So how will Design Thinking make you happier? The process itself offers direction, structure, and opportunities to achieve flow. Design Thinking also promises both a better final outcome and a better collaborative experience. Design Thinking also builds into our systems the idea that we can adapt and change the things we build. This is wholly consistent with how this programme is asking you to think about yourselves and your relationships.




In short, Design Thinking provides a model for collaboration that is intentional, kind, creative, and structured.  




Let’s practice by taking on the Greeningers Backpack Redesign Challenge. 


best-backpacks-for-teens.jpg

You are going to redesign a backpack to meet the complex needs of a potential end user.



You need a group of three or more people, some paper or a white board and coloured pencils/pens. In your group allocate one person to be the end user and the others as the Design Think team. If you have a large group allocate more than one person to play the end user. 

  • Empathise (10 minutes)

Interview your end user(s) about their needs. Ask them about what matters most to them. Gather as much information as you can but let them talk. Let them tell you things about the needs that they might not even be aware of themselves.

  • Define (5 minutes)

Use the format “[Insert end user’s Name] feels __________. They need __________ ,  because __________”.

Do not move on until the end user(s) agrees with your definition. Those playing the end user(s) step away and join another group and observe their ideation process.

  • Ideate (10 minutes)

Put as many potential ideas, drawings, thoughts as possible down on your page or board. Make sure they fit the definition but don’t commit to one design. The point here is variety. 

  • Prototype (15 minutes) 

Filter your designs borrowing the best parts of those you consider the most creative, surprising, and familiar ideas. Then design your prototype on your page or board, providing annotations where appropriate.


Those playing the end user(s) should return to their original groups.


  • Test (10 minutes)

Present your prototype design to your end user(s). Explain all the features and how you designed those features to meet their needs. Answer any questions your end user(s) might have.

  • Empathise (5 minutes) 

The end user(s) provide feedback on the prototype design allowing the team to know what to improve, refine or correct in the next iteration.