How To Have Difficult Conversations

An important feature of maintaining healthy relationships is the ability to have difficult conversations. The coaching model addresses those conversations where someone you care about or work with has a problem or issue, doesn’t know what to do, and finds themselves stuck.

Coaching conversations are not opportunities to tell someone what you want them to do, or convince them that they must change their mind or simply agree with you. 

Coaching conversations are not feedback sessions or expert consultations. It's tempting to slip into the habit of trying to fix someone else’s problem for them. It’s how we’ve been taught to have conversations all our lives. If someone says “I’m upset”, or “I don’t know what to do” our instinct is to scan our brains as fast as we can to find a way to fix their issue and make it go away. It feels intuitively like the right thing to do, especially if we care about that person. 

There are certainly times when someone might need advice, specific help, or an intervention. But if we pause on this for a moment we can see the flaw in our response. If we try to solve other people’s problems as quickly as we can we will not help that person develop the skills to be able to solve their problem for themselves either now or in the future. 

If we try to resolve other people’s problems as quickly as we can we’ll make mistakes and errors because we haven’t considered all the implications yet. This often results in the problem getting worse or reemerging later.

And if we try to solve other people’s problems as quickly as we can we may end up absorbing their stress and anxiety, ending with a situation where both parties feel worse at the end of the conversation than they did at the start. 

There are other potential problems too. Have you ever given advice only to have the advice rejected? How did it make you feel? Chances are you thought something like “I spent all this time telling you what to do and you didn’t ever bother doing it. Well, don’t bother to ask me again...”

None of these outcomes are good. None of them support healthy relationships. 

Coaching conversations can be a tool to help you to avoid the traps that cause a difficult conversation to turn into an unpleasant experience.

So if the above is what we want to avoid, then what do we actually want to achieve in a coaching conversation?

Positive outcomes include:

• The ‘coachee’ feels that they were sincerely heard

• The ‘coachee’ explores their problem enabling them to fully understand it 

• The ‘coachee’ develops a schema to tackle their problem

• The ‘coachee’ devises a plan of action with success criteria

• The ‘coachee’ feels supported without the coach having to absorb the emotional distress of the ‘coachee’

• The ‘coachee’s’ stress and anxiety subside and are replaced with a greater sense of clarity and empowerment

Do you remember when we looked at Mental Simulation and WOOPing (Wish Outcome, Obstacle, Plan)? Coaching conversations are a bit like guiding someone through their own WOOP.  

There are lots of different coaching protocols. Let’s take a look at one below. This is built from the cognitive coaching model devised by Think Collaborative.

Step 1: Developing Rapport

Take a look at the photograph below. How would you describe the relationship between those in the image?

What words came to mind? Awkward? Aggressive? Confrontational? Just by looking at this photograph we know that they will struggle to overcome problems. Now, take a look at the photograph below. How is it different? 

The individuals depicted seem at ease, comfortable, connected. They are in rapport. 

Developing rapport helps build trust between the coach and the ‘coachee’ by creating a safe environment. It helps to remove the barriers that often prevent the ‘coachee’ from feeling safe enough to allow themselves to be vulnerable. 

Verbal components of rapport building include the coach’s pitch, tone, volume, pace and vocabulary choice. Non verbal components of rapport building include the coach’s posture, gestures, proximity and facial expressions.

The coach should aim to gently mirror the posture of the ‘coachee’. If the ‘coachee’ leans back in the chair, the coach should lean back a little too. If the ‘coachee’ perches on the edge of the chair, the coach should sit up a little bit too. Do not copy the ‘coachee’s’ movements but consciously create an environment in which the coach and the ‘coachee’ have connection and synergy.

Step 2:  Opening the Conversation and Expressing Empathy

What’s the worst way to open a coaching conversation that you can think of?

Did you say something like “what’s your problem?” or “why are you here?” or “what’s wrong now?”

But even well intentioned openers can have the opposite effect. In this stage the coach initiates the coaching conversation with language intentionally chosen to allow the ‘coachee’ to feel safe enough to be vulnerable.

Coaches should allow the ‘coachee’ to take ownership of the conversation and share what is on their mind and what they genuinely think, as opposed to responding to the coach’s lead. The key is to be invitational and use an approachable voice.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“So what did you make of the...?”

“Talk me through…?”

“How did you find…?”

For more open coaching conversations you can even start with…

“What’s up/What’s going on/What’s on your mind/How are you doing?”

But even then most of us have been trained to say “I’m fine” even when we’re not. So we have to make it ok not to be ok. So ask “how are you doing?” and if you get “I’m fine” as a reply, ask your question again but this time with one small but significant addition.

“How are you really doing?”

You’ll be amazing at how adding that one simple word can transform the conversation.

Step 3: Summarise Impressions

In this stage the coach paraphrases what they have heard. It is important that the ‘coachee’ affirms that the coach has understood them correctly before moving on.

After the ‘coachee’ has shared their thinking always practice an intentional pause. The coach does not need to have an immediate answer or reply. By pausing and thinking the coach demonstrates to the ‘coachee’ that the coach has actively listened and is taking the ‘coachee’ seriously (further building trust). It also allows the coach time to think about what to say next.

The paraphrase should be shorter than the ‘coachee’s’ original statement.

An effective paraphrase can be: 

i) a simple summary of facts - “So I’m hearing three things. Firstly…”

ii) a categorisation/organisation of the ‘coachee’s’ statement - “On the one hand… but on the other…”

iii) an abstracted impression - “So a strong belief you have is …”

The paraphrase should not be a judgement, evaluation or analysis of the ‘coachee’s’ thinking. 

Before the coach can move on to the next step the ‘coachee’ must affirm that the coach’s paraphrase is a fair and accurate account of what they are thinking.

The coach may not achieve a perfect paraphrase on their first attempt and should then paraphrase again taking into consideration the ‘coachee’s’ response to the first paraphrase attempt. Don’t worry about this. Having established the rapport, the ‘coachee’ will usually be quite happy to say “That’s not quite how I feel. It’s more like…”

Step 4: Analysing and Evaluating Causal Factors

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to better understand the problem/situation/challenge/obstacle they are facing. The coach should pose questions that encourage the ‘coachee’ to compare, categorise, distinguish, evaluate, judge, appreciate and otherwise make sense and meaning.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“What comparison might you make between what you selected in part A and what you selected in part B?”

“What are your hunches about where you would grade yourself in a few months?”

“Do any of these options feel more important to you? Would those around you agree?”

The coach may very well follow up with additional questions to help the ‘coachee’s’ thinking become more precise and exact.

Step 5: Constructing New Understanding

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to think about new ways to approach the problem, different interpretations of the issue. In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to experiment, generate, forecast, connect, or think about what to do next.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“Given the space between what you feel intuitively and what the data suggests is there a new way of seeing this…?”

“What would you like to make a priority now?”

“Are you looking at this differently now?

Step 6: Commitment to Action

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to envision or imagine their future actions.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“How will you keep this a priority?”  

“How can you ensure you stick to the plan?”

“What strategies could you use…”

Step 7: Success Indicators

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to think about how to effectively measure success and what types of evidence might be used to effectively identify success.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“How will you know if you are successful?”

“What evidence will you collect?”

Step 8: Anticipating Obstacles

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to think about what problems they might encounter when trying to achieve their goal. 

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“What might throw you off course?”

“What surprises could you anticipate?”

Step 9: Support Structures

In this stage the coach helping the ‘coachee’ to think about what tools they have, can develop and/or can find to help them overcome obstacles.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“What skills did you use when overcoming a previous problem?”

“Is there anyone you know who’s really strong at…?”

“What do you need to learn in order to…?”

Step 10: Reflect on Coaching

In this stage the coach helps the ‘coachee’ to think about what has been achieved in the coaching conversation.

Questions for the coach to pose might include:

“How has this conversation helped nudge/shift your thinking?”

“How might you incorporate this process into your own thinking?”

The best way to apply this protocol effectively is to practice. One avenue is to avoid leaping into a full scale coaching conversation and instead to focus only on one component skill. You can practice it in regular conversations.

Once you feel ready to lead a coaching conversation try to put all those skills together. Don’t be afraid to have a copy of the protocol in your lap to help guide you. And don’t feel like there’s any need for the ‘coachee’ to think of you as some kind of master. Talk openly to them about the process of the coaching conversation. Focus on the protocol and not on your guru-status.

It's really important that your coachee feels safe to be vulnerable. So before you begin ask them if they would like to have a coaching conversation. Explain to them what a coaching conversation is and how it works. Let them know you’re not an expert and invite them to participate in the conversation. 

It’s also really important that before you begin and during the conversation you pay attention to what we call ‘congruence’. This basically means you should pay attention to how you think and feeling in the moment. If its been a long day and you’re a bit irritable, pay attention to that. Paying attention to your own congruence will help you stay focused in the conversation or let you know if you need to reschedule for a better time.