Active Constructive Responding

In Building Virtuous Habits we learned that it’s not enough to have the tools to react only to mental health crises. No matter how well we learn to react to mental health crises, we also need to elevate the baseline of our wellbeing. Doing so increases our daily happiness, which increases our resilience and enables us to better face those crises. 

Think of it this way, if our bank account enjoys a health balance then we can cope with those out-of-the-blue emergency payments. At the very least, we can cope with them far better than when we’re struggling with debt, living hand to mouth. As it is for our bank account balance, so it is too for our wellbeing account balance. 

The same is also true for our relationships. In fact, in the southern African Ubuntu philosophy relationships are the defining feature of humanity. In Ubuntuism people are people through other people.

We need our social relationships to give us support in good and bad times. As individuals we need care, visibility, recognition, and connection in order to thrive. In fact, healthy social relationships are crucial to our wellbeing and happiness. The sad truth is that loneliness has been scientifically proven to be as deadly as smoking and obesity. Despite this, and often with the best of intentions, we can sometimes take our most meaningful relationships for granted and even neglect them. 

We’ve all had a friend from whom we drifted away. Sometimes life takes us down different paths. Sometimes people come in and out of our lives. This ebb and flow: it's quite natural. But have you ever had a social relationship drift away because you didn’t give it the ongoing investment that it needed? Have you ever felt neglected in a social relationship? When social relationships whither due to neglect, all parties are hurt. 

As with ourselves, if we only ever withdraw from our social relationships, without making deposits into them, they will eventually go bankrupt. 

So what can we do to support happier relationships?

Muzafer Sherif argued that one way is through the co-creation of superordinate goals.

According to this theory, we can overcome our problems and thrive together when we create a shared vision for our relationship that is a) bigger than each individual and b) dependent upon each individual working together to achieve. 

We create superordinate goals by knowing our own identity, wants and needs as an individual, and knowing the identity, wants and needs of the other person or people in the relationship. This is important because without understanding yourself we cannot understand others. And without understanding others, we cannot maintain healthy relationships. 

Once we know yourself and know others, we can better co-construct the shared vision for that relationship and how we can all contribute to living that mission. Here’s a quick and easy example. Maybe your family’s superordinate goal is to share a harmonious and loving home. This goal can clearly not be met through the actions of just one person: everyone has to contribute. So that raises the question of how? The answer can often be deceptively simple. It could be as simple as sharing the burden of cooking and cleaning. In fact, if each person in the household takes responsibility for one part of cooking and cleaning, we’re already making progress. But more than participation, superordinate goals require engagement together. So instead of just completing the household chore, we should aim to take pride in it. We can use it as a chance to practice some informal mindfulness. We can see it as a chance to show an act of kindness to someone we care about. That’s the difference between sharing a space and building a relationship. 

Healthy relationships cannot be built solely on cooking and cleaning together. We need to show the same engagement in how we talk to each other. 

One powerful way to deposit into our relationships is through Active Constructive Responding. 

Active Constructive Responding is a way of responding to someone when they share good news with you. It is a tool that boosts the happiness of both the person you are responding to and yourself. 

You might be thinking, I don’t get it... 

Or you might be thinking, ok I get that I should reply sensitively when someone receives bad news, but does it really matter how I respond when someone receives good news? After all, they just got some news, isn’t that enough? 

No, it isn’t. We’re social creatures, and we want to share our happiness with others. Whenever we share anything that matters to us with another person, we’re allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. So if someone doesn’t really care about our good news, it hurts a little bit. On the other hand, when someone really shows they care about our happiness, we feel even better.   

The grid below unpacks the four most common ways we respond to someone else’s good news.

Now, it doesn’t mean that the other three ways of responding are inherently wrong. It may be that there are times when you have genuine concerns regarding the nature of the ‘good’ news received by someone you care for. There may be occasions when you want them to think seriously about the potential consequences. But before you respond, ask yourself is now the best time to raise my concerns? Will this person be more open to hearing my concerns if I have shown that I care that they are happy?

It may be that there are times when you were distracted and didn’t give the good news the attention it warranted. That’s ok too. But as you’re responding, ask yourself am I showing that I care right now? 

The meme below imagine a teacher talking to a student during class, and shows these ideas in action in a way we’ve probably all experienced.

The key here is neither to be perfect nor to rely on your intuitive in-the-moment reactions to nurture positive relationships. If we equip ourselves with the right tools we can learn to be more present in the moment and thereby select the best way to respond.

This means we have to practice and reflect on our practice.

Over the next week, make a commitment to intentionally use active constructive responding at least once a day. Use the table below to record your efforts. At the end of the week write a journal describing in as much detail as you can at least one of the examples.